There are three arenas - mealtimes; restaurants and bars; and finally eating fast food and buying takeaway foods.
Mealtimes
There are four mealtimes: nIQ breakfast (n), megh lunch (n), 'uQ dinner (n) and ghem midnight snack (n) - which is slightly misleading, since the ghem is often a full meal rather than just a snack. A banquet or feast is known as an 'uQ'a' regardless of what time of day it falls on.
There are seats at the table (quS chair (n), raS table (n)); it is acceptable to ask if a chair is occupied (quSDaq ba'lu''a' Is this seat taken?) but unless you're told to sit in a space reserved for guests (meb guest (n)) or the seat obviously looks like the seat of the leader (DevwI' leader (n)) you can sit wherever you like.
You use your hands only to eat. Children use tools - knives, and so on. The Klingon word for fork is chonnaQ puq - literally child's hunting stick. If you are offered a fork to eat your food, decline the request - it is an insult.
Just grab what food you fancy from the 'elpI' platter (n) and pile it on your jengva' plate (n). If you wish for sauce, take it from the bal jug (n) and just pour it over the food on the jengva'. No jengva'? Grab a handful of the food and eat it. If you have jengva' available, they will be left in a pile at one end of the table; you must grab a jengva' from that pile.
When is it acceptable to ask someone to pass the food or a jengva'? Answer: Never. If you want something, reach for it yourself or get up and walk across to a point where the jengva' or the choice morsel is within reach.
Other than sauces, you must eat the food as it comes. You will not find a salt shaker or similar on the table. Trust me; you will never have cause to complain about Klingon food being too bland.
If you have food stuck between your teeth, try not to do the Terran thing of picking it out of your teeth and throwing it away, because it looks as if you are trying to get rid of the taste - a grievous insult to the cook's honour, and a mistake you will not get to repeat.
Instead, I recommend you take the piece of food from your teeth and make a point of chewing it, making it look as if you kept a piece behind as a reminder of the wonderful meal you just had.
Feasting at meal times is likely to be a noisy, boisterous affair, with much loud conversation, singing, cracking of jokes and the occasional friendly mock fight with head butting. If you eat too neatly, or eat without gusto, it will look as if you are not enjoying the food, and your companions at table will encourage you to enjoy the food more by engaging you in a mu'qaD veS or throwing food playfully at you. Sometimes the bones. You are expected to leave as much food on the table, the floor and yourself as inside you; a mess is a sign that you have enjoyed the food with gusto.
It is acceptable to throw food at your companions at the table; jaD throw about, hurl about (v). Do not throw your food away (woD throw away, discard (v)). In particular, if nuts (naHlet nut (n), derived from naH fruit, vegetable (n) and let hard, be hard (v)) or shelled animals of any sort have been served, you can spit out (tlhIS spit out (v)) the fragments of shell (naHlet yub nut shell (n)) at companions seated next to you. It is considered impressive if you can manage to spit out a shell fragment to strike a companion at a far end of the table.
The husk, rind, shell, peel or pith of any fruit or vegetable is called a yub: apart from nut shells, it is considered acceptable to eat the rinds of softer fruits and vegetables. Eggs (QIm egg (n)) generally do not appear as standalone dishes, apart from the occasional delicacy which you can scoop up off the 'elpI' and eat in your hand like nuts. The term for the shell of an egg is pel'aQ.
You can drink while eating; usually some form of HIq ale (n) will be provided - again, fill your own HIvje' cup (n). You can also fill your cup with any sauces they may serve, or just drink straight from the bal.
It is wise to compliment the vutwI' cook (n), though do not press the cook for details of the recipe; each cook has their own style, and it is dangerous to ask such information from a Klingon who is used to dismembering targh with their bare hands.
The range of different kinds of Klingon foods available is impossible to list in this blog. The Klingon author, J'Puq, has the best source of knowledge of Klingon cuisine - J'Puq's cookbook jabmeH in order to serve is considered a definitive resource.
Qe'Daq At The Restaurant
What applies here applies equally to bars (tach bar (n)).
When eating at a restaurant, the protocols are different.
There will be a menu posted. Regulars will already know the prices of food served and will ask for their regular fare or ask about the specials, including the catch of the day, DaHjaj gheD (literally today's prey (n), whatever they managed to catch that day).
Pay promptly when ordered (DaH yIDIl Pay now!). There is never any need to tip.
Sit where you can find a table. Reservations are a thing for weak Terrans.
If you need service, whether you want more food or drink, you attract the server's attention by calling out "jabwI'!"
In small establishments, the jabwI' is also the vutwI'. In a Klingon restaurant, there is no PADD or similar aide; the jabwI' is required to memorise the orders for each patron in their heads. Most are very familiar with the memory palace technique. A note on etiquette reads
nay' qawHa'chugh jabwI' vaj nay' lajQo'laH SuchwI' The patron can reject a dish that the server has misremembered. Sometimes a dispute might arise over whether the server remembered the dish correctly; such disagreements provide an exhilarating entertainment to the other patrons.
In a bar, one might be served by a jabwI' - but the person preparing the drinks is called a chom bartender (n). Apart from that, the same customs generally apply.
In both bars and restaurants, often the patrons will provide their own boisterous and energetic entertainment. Every now and then a may' ngeb mock battle (n) might break out, and once in a while the patrons might get lucky - someone might get tired of trading headbutts, get angry and start a real fight.
If a visitor falls ill from anything, there is a custom of serving them sour tea (n) - Dargh wIb. There is a saying: Hoch vor Dargh wIb Sour tea cures everything.
Do Qe'Daq At The Fast Food Restaurant
Often, when a Klingon is in a hurry - Qu' potlh law' Hoch potlh puS Duty before all - they have no time to stop at a restaurant for a full meal. There is a compromise, in the form of the Do Qe' velocity restaurant (n). There, a busy warrior can buy food which he can eat without lingering. In fact, lingering is actively discouraged at the Do Qe' - go in, get your food, pay for it and leave to eat your food elsewhere.
The sign outside a Do Qe' will typically read moD Soj - literally, the food hurries.
A Do Qe' employs a tebwI' filler (n) rather than a jabwI' top serve the food. The tebwI' just fills the customer's 'elpI' with the food.
Klingon for The Galactic Traveler has this to say about the customs of the Do Qe':-
Customers, even those who have never been in the establishment before, are assumed to be familiar with all details of the fare and procedures. It is not uncommon for a tebwI' to become a bit testy (a subtle change in temperament, to be sure) if a customer hesitates or asks questions while giving an order. Other customers will probably show their annoyance as well. A regular patron of a Do Qe' tends to order the same dishes on each visit.
leng Soj Takeaways
Klingon for The Galactic Traveler has this to say about takeaway food, literally "voyage food":-
At many restaurants, it is possible to order food packaged in boxes to be eaten elsewhere. This sort of food is called leng Soj (voyage food). The term leng (voyage) may be applied to any specific meal--for example, leng megh (voyage lunch).
It is unwise to order a dish that should be eaten live as leng Soj.
I am starving. Would anyone like some yuch chocolate (n)?
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